Horrid Horror: Ghost Whisperer

Very few things make my brain hurt as much as bad characters in a movie, book, or TV show. In video games, I can live with it since, well, I can stop playing the game, and go to something better. Like a movie. Or a book. Or a TV show. Plus, bad characters in video games don't tend to break the personal value of the game as much as other media. For example, Metro: Last Light has a character that utterly annoys me, mainly because he's inept, yet is the (potentially) main villain. The game is still a classic in my book, and is one of my treasured games in my collection.

But, then you take an inept main character from a TV show, and chaos ensues. That appears to be the story with "Ghost Whisperer," a show plagued with so many character issues, mainly focusing one the main character.

Depending on who you ask, "Ghost Whisperer" is based on the life of either James Van Praagh or Mary Ann Winkowski, both of whom serve as producers. The reason that it depends on who you ask is because Van Praagh seems to be the only one who thinks the show is based on him. Also, there is a bigger reason supporting him not being the basis. It's a glaring issue that I might as well talk about now since it's what the show was known for. Yes, I'm talking about the controversy of Jennifer Love Hewitt's nonacting assets. There are dozens of videos, and even a fucking Yahoo Questions page on this. Yes, I'm talking about her breasts.

I normally wouldn't harp on this, because the woman cannot help how her body is shaped, and she is much more than that. But, this has become a joke. I mean, seriously. What people seem to overlook is the fact that the person doing the costumes does this to nearly every female character. This, as well as several other factors, leads me to ask a huge question: Who is the target audience? We'll come back to that.

Obviously, I'm not going to talk about every episode, mainly because that'd take too long, and watching them was enough to want to give myself a trans-orbital lobotomy with an open bottle of Tabasco sauce. Especially the later seasons which take a turn so insane, you'd think it was written as an episode of "Supernatural." Now, I feel bad, both because I insulted "Supernatural," and the fact that I know "Supernatural" is the better show. Don't get too comfy, though, Winchesters. Your time will come.

The sow follows Melinda Gordon, who introduces the first two seasons by saying she's married, owns and antique shop, and is "just like you." Except, she talks to ghosts, or "Earth Bound spirits" her grandmother called them. Granny was hip on the SNES scene, as it turns out. Also, I feel I should address the fact that her life is nothing like the average persons. I'm not married, much like several thousands of people in the world. And not everyone owns an antique shop at the ripe old age of 26! That's right, Melinda Gordon is 26 in the beginning of the show, and owns an antique shop. This wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't a few simple things:

1: The few times she has flashbacks to college, it's not for business or any kind of history or appraisal. It's for (drum roll)... something vaguely related to art!
2: She never has to pay for student loans, business bills, or the like, and has loads of mulah to spend on estate sales (mentioning several times that she needs to make multiple trips in her BRAND NEW CAR!)
3: Half of what she sells aren't antiques.

I digress. The rest of our cast is Andrea, played by Aisha Tyler, but only in season 1; Deliah, played by Camryn Manheim, and her son, Ned; Melinda's paramedic husband, Jim, played by David Conrad; and college professors Rick Payne, played by Jay Mohr, and Eli James, played by Jamie Kennedy. You may not have noticed, but I deliberately separated the cast going from female to male. This is because the male characters are the most developed and best written characters on the show. They're actions are always justified by who they are (with the exception of Eli, who does some rather... odd things). For example, Jim has always supported Melinda's gift, but worries about her when she's trying to move a malevolent spirit to the light. The one time he can defend her from a threat, one that's living, Jim does so with extra anger and frustration because, well, they're fucking with his wife!

In contrast, Melinda, who speaks to the dead, is given clues via visions that ghosts give her. Generally, the visions give the reason the ghost can't cross over. Several times, though, she guesses wrong so often that the ghost gets fed up, and finally tells her flat out why they're staying. And even then, sometimes that's not enough. What's strange about this is the fact that I know the writers have some sort of talent. How can I say that? Well, for starters, they made Jay Mohr seem likeable.

Needless to say, Jim is the standout character of the show. He seems like the type of character that you can pigeonhole as being from a Nicholas Sparks book (pick one, they're all the same damned book), but you can't help but like him. He's a genuinely good guy. He shows the most concern (and patience) for Melinda throughout the series.

In season one, she comes across a man that laughs at her shortly after she moves a spirit over. This "Laughing Man" is supposed to be scary, but he's about as terrifying as Norm McDonald drunkenly wandering on the set, realizing where he's at, and laughing. He's a harbinger for the first year's villain--

Wait, hold the phone. Villain? Did Van Praagh or Winkowski fight evil spirits during one of their warm readings? Okay, let me explain something here. I keep a fairly open mind about spiritual things. Psychics, though, are something that remain mostly skeptical about, especially when they use their "abilities" for profit. There are some that do paranormal work for free, such as Chip Coffey or Michelle Belanger, but even then their findings are researched and verified afterwards. On top of this, they are scrutinized before an investigation, kept away from information about the person or place they're investigating, and don't involve themselves in the research until the findings are either verified or debunked.

Notice that I didn't once mention that they're "psychic superheroes."  Yes, both of them have taken part in exorcisms (including one that was very questionable). But, exorcism is not pseudonymous with "every year we fight a dark force."  Especially when the "dark forces" Melinda faces are as dull as these. The first year's villain is a cult leader who killed his cult and drug them to Hell. He now steals souls from the Light, and, after Aisha Tyler dies, tries to claim her soul. Melinda, though, moves her to the light. What does the villain do? Does he try to kill her?

No. In fact, he silently screams, "Curses!" and is never seen again. Her next threats include her brother who tries to kill her by making a monument fall on her, her father who tries to trap her in the tunnels beneath the city, and vague, demon like creatures called "Shadows" (since creativity wasn't in the budget), who are destroyed by her son and the ghosts of dead children, dubbed "Shinies" since they like shiny objects. After each villain is dispatched of, you can hear them yelling, "I'd have gotten away with it, if it weren't for your meddling boobs!" Yes, her greatest threat is on par with Scooby Doo villains.

After Aisha Tyler leaves the show, Deliah is introduced as the new friend. Deliah finds out about Melinda's ability and berates her for being crazy. Ah, the building blocks of friendship. She somewhat manages to accept this, though, to develop into a character that appears once every four episodes. Rick Payne is introduced as the Anthropology of the Occult professor that Melinda has to ward off every two seconds. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Melinda is checked out by guys every episode, just so she can say, "Oops! I'm married!" It's like a contract rider.

After Rick leaves to go on a sabbatical (on his third attempt to do so), Eli James, a psychology professor who can talk to the dead after he had a near death experience, is introduced. Between the two, I like Rick more since he was genuinely funny, and had a story arc involving his dead wife that was actually really sweet. Eli, though, is creepy. He falls in love with a patient, is socially awkward, goes from being uber nerd to making fun of nerds in seconds, and is just a douche. This is partly due to the fact that the writers didn't seem to agree on most of the characters.

Another example of this is Deliah's son, Ned. Ned grows up in three seasons, and is usually a well meaning kid. The last season, though, he does some out of character things, such as cheating on his girlfriend because her roommate was there, or getting mad for no reason. That's nothing to the greatest faux paux of the show: What they do to Jim. This is the turn that makes no sense other than a ratings hike. In season four, Jim is shot and killed. Refusing to go into the light, he instead finds a guy who just died, and takes his body. While the audience sees him as Jim, the rest of the cast see Sam Lucas, the man with the tumorous bullfrog neck. I don't know if it's just the angles they get him in, but his neck looks like it's eating his head.

Well, the kicker here is that Jim doesn't remember Melinda until he happens to hit his head while attempting to save her. From then on, Jim is back, remarries his wife, and goes to med school to become Dr. Sam Lucas. But, he takes the middle name "James" and goes by "Jim." No one finds it odd that Melinda remarries just months after Jim dies (which Jim brings up several times), nor do they find it odd that he takes the man's name. Keep in mind, only the audience sees Jim at this point.

This is also a "small town" that seems to forget that the one antique store owner frequently talks to "ghosts." When she is caught, the world moves on. No one calls the cops on her, aside from one person who gets a restraining order against her. Hell, cops see her do this, and shrug like, "Huh. I need to buy a 1946 vintage lampshade, though!" Melinda is somehow lucky enough to live in the one small town that has no gossip.

I asked before "Who is the target audience?" The show was supposedly written for the "Touched by an Angel: crowd, but makes frequent, albeit misguided, steps to pure horror territory. Some of the ghosts are fairly gruesome, but nothing you wouldn't see outside of "Pirates of the Caribbean." The biggest horror is in the themes of some of the ghosts, including one that warns Melinda that she's being stalked. But, it's not enough horror to quench the thirst of most horror buffs. Also, most people in the "Angel" crowd would be set off of a show about a woman who speaks to dead people.

I thought about middle aged women, possibly single, but the only draw for that crowd would be Jim, the sweetheart every man that is too lovable for anyone to hate. Also, might I remind you, the frequent use of cleavage to the point that it became it's own parody. But, in that case, you can't really say men (well, sane men), since, despite all the shit I'm giving it, I can count one time where I legitimately questioned her outfit. That time was when she wore a see-through mesh dress over a bra and black panties for a dinner party. So who does that leave us with as an audience?

James Van Praagh. Or Mary Ann Winkowski. Whoever the hell this show was based on. Seriously, there is nothing to really draw the audience in, unless they knew who it was based on. It was a chore for me to sit through an episode, much less the entire series to write this. Even then, I fell asleep during the series finale, so I had to rewatch it.

I can say this, though; "Ghost Whisperer" isn't offensively bad, like some other movies I can mention. The worst I can say is that it's misguided.It means to be heartwarming, but falls into the trap of ghosts being tools to tell horror stories. In turn, the show ends up trying to  be too many things at once, and falters. It tries to be a Jack of All Trades, but it can't quite reach it.

Join me next time as I talk about a movie that is both head-scratchingly odd and creepy. Also, Pollyanna McIntosh.

Dead on Appraisal

It's been awhile since I've done a Horrid Horror review. Life happened. I started working on a comic. I was homeless. I got better. I'm still working on the comic. And then... by accident, I found a movie so God Awful that I have to dig the Horrid Horror up from it's grave. I decided not to purely focus on movies, but on games and TV shows. Yes, my friends, we'll explore the depths of shitty horror in all media. We'll find dead wives, whisper to ghosts, hunt demons, have adventures with ghosts, and even try to inspect houses!

In speaking of houses: Brain Damaged Pictures. They're the only production company to nearly make me blaspheme. In fact, Terror Toons is the movie that nearly broke me. Maybe it was the porn star playing a little girl with footballs for boobs, or the drag queen mom, or Amy's distended jaw. Hell, it could have been the fucking clipart vultures that they used! No matter what, the movie just... well... it was so bad, it became one of my favorites. No, it wasn't Pan's Labyrinth, but it was just the best bad movie I've seen. I actually want to see Dr. Carnage return in Terror Toons 3. No kidding. He's back.

But, that's as far as I wanted to go with a movie made by Pinhead Tarantino. I figured I was safe watching Dead on Appraisal. And then, his spiky head shows up. Oh, what Hell did I wrought on myself. I'd have been safer going to the Dog Park.

The movie proper is an anthology film about a realtor who can't sell a house, due to the vast amount of death in it. The first story takes place during a party. A young man tried to convince Dr. Khal Drogo to join up. Yes, people, it's a guy that looks like Khal Drogo in a lab coat. Someone needs to make that. Dr. Drogo is not fated for the world, nor Khaleesi, as it turns out, as bugs from a beehive murder him. This is a shame, too, since he was the best actor in the movie. It just seems like he's over acting because he's making an actual attempt.

The next morning, a guy gets up to vomit. No, Lucifer Valentine didn't direct this, but it's actually important. As the rest of the kids wake up, three gang members break into the house, and threaten to rape the sole woman if anyone calls the cops. I would be angry about this, but the lead gangster looks like that kid from Two and a Half Men imitating Ian Somelhalder. He drags the woman and a wounded gangster to the room where she manages to escape as they're killed by the bugs. She goes back to the living room to find that one of the other guys has a bug coming out of his arm, killing the guy next to him.

With just her and the last guy alive (notice, we lost the third guy, who presumably decided to flee the set), she calls in... a random conspiracy theorist? Seriously, she calls a guy who think Osama bin Laden is in California. What ever, he comes to the house, gives them guns, and they start acting like they can shoot. It looks like they're using water guns, and they're scared to be doing that. Captain Conspiracy gets eaten, so the girl throws a grenade, killing everyone in the house.

Except for Captain Conspiracy. Oh, and Vomiting Dudebro walks out, grabs a gun and the money the gangsters brought, and meanders into the street. Realism for the fucking win.

Our next story is bland, so I'll gloss over it. A dad is concerned that his son has PTSD. The son is insane, and blows up the house by carving a hole in his stomach and putting a bomb in it. The end. It is literally the tamest of the three stories (I'm counting the overarching one and the last as the same).

I say that because, well... I was riffing this movie up until the third story. A rock star buys the house, being the cousin of Dr. Khal Drogo. They're recording their new heavy death metal song that sound like Kabbage Boy from Brutal Legend. After recording, the band tells the lead singer that the band sucks. QUICK! They've become self-aware! Save yourself before Skynet takes control!

As they leave him alone so they can get beers, he sees "demons." The first looks like the fat guy from that Warrant CD. The second looks like Marilyn Manson with no make up. The last one is... I'm not making this name up... TENTACLE-ARMED-ONE-EYED-PURPLE-UNICORN-SHITHEAD. He sounds like what Isaac Hayes imitating Old Gregg would sound like.

Well, having enough of this insanity, rock star grabs an ax and butchers them, only to find that they're the members of his band. Except, they aren't, as they make him see that he murdered his band, and because of this, he summons what Satan would look like in LittleBIGPlanet.

The ending has the realtor and his wife showing the house, only for 2D Satan to pop out, and kill everyone by pointing at them, which causes heads to fly off of bodies, He does this while squatting on the chair. You know, as the Lord of Darkness is prone to do. "Hey, I'm going to kill you all, but let me grunt a stinking mud-grenade on your couch. That'll really torment your soul!" Captain Conspiracy then bombs the house. The movie ends showing us the puppets they used to achieve their masterful effects. You know, just in case we were traumatized by the realism of them.

You want to know what really traumatized me? The fact that this movie was even made. Honestly, I have to give credit, the production values is leaps and bounds better than Terror Toons, but that's as far as I'll go. Somehow, quality went down.  The stories range from bland to incoherent, with barely anything in between. The first story, which seemed the most polished, somehow felt like it was the only final draft, and even then it made absolutely no sense. This does not have the staying power as Terror Toons did, by any means.

Next month, I'll be taking a look at a TV series. Get your antiques ready, we're going Ghost Whispering.