It's been awhile since I've done a Horrid Horror review. Life happened. I started working on a comic. I was homeless. I got better. I'm still working on the comic. And then... by accident, I found a movie so God Awful that I have to dig the Horrid Horror up from it's grave. I decided not to purely focus on movies, but on games and TV shows. Yes, my friends, we'll explore the depths of shitty horror in all media. We'll find dead wives, whisper to ghosts, hunt demons, have adventures with ghosts, and even try to inspect houses!
In speaking of houses: Brain Damaged Pictures. They're the only production company to nearly make me blaspheme. In fact, Terror Toons is the movie that nearly broke me. Maybe it was the porn star playing a little girl with footballs for boobs, or the drag queen mom, or Amy's distended jaw. Hell, it could have been the fucking clipart vultures that they used! No matter what, the movie just... well... it was so bad, it became one of my favorites. No, it wasn't Pan's Labyrinth, but it was just the best bad movie I've seen. I actually want to see Dr. Carnage return in Terror Toons 3. No kidding. He's back.
But, that's as far as I wanted to go with a movie made by Pinhead Tarantino. I figured I was safe watching Dead on Appraisal. And then, his spiky head shows up. Oh, what Hell did I wrought on myself. I'd have been safer going to the Dog Park.
The movie proper is an anthology film about a realtor who can't sell a house, due to the vast amount of death in it. The first story takes place during a party. A young man tried to convince Dr. Khal Drogo to join up. Yes, people, it's a guy that looks like Khal Drogo in a lab coat. Someone needs to make that. Dr. Drogo is not fated for the world, nor Khaleesi, as it turns out, as bugs from a beehive murder him. This is a shame, too, since he was the best actor in the movie. It just seems like he's over acting because he's making an actual attempt.
The next morning, a guy gets up to vomit. No, Lucifer Valentine didn't direct this, but it's actually important. As the rest of the kids wake up, three gang members break into the house, and threaten to rape the sole woman if anyone calls the cops. I would be angry about this, but the lead gangster looks like that kid from Two and a Half Men imitating Ian Somelhalder. He drags the woman and a wounded gangster to the room where she manages to escape as they're killed by the bugs. She goes back to the living room to find that one of the other guys has a bug coming out of his arm, killing the guy next to him.
With just her and the last guy alive (notice, we lost the third guy, who presumably decided to flee the set), she calls in... a random conspiracy theorist? Seriously, she calls a guy who think Osama bin Laden is in California. What ever, he comes to the house, gives them guns, and they start acting like they can shoot. It looks like they're using water guns, and they're scared to be doing that. Captain Conspiracy gets eaten, so the girl throws a grenade, killing everyone in the house.
Except for Captain Conspiracy. Oh, and Vomiting Dudebro walks out, grabs a gun and the money the gangsters brought, and meanders into the street. Realism for the fucking win.
Our next story is bland, so I'll gloss over it. A dad is concerned that his son has PTSD. The son is insane, and blows up the house by carving a hole in his stomach and putting a bomb in it. The end. It is literally the tamest of the three stories (I'm counting the overarching one and the last as the same).
I say that because, well... I was riffing this movie up until the third story. A rock star buys the house, being the cousin of Dr. Khal Drogo. They're recording their new heavy death metal song that sound like Kabbage Boy from Brutal Legend. After recording, the band tells the lead singer that the band sucks. QUICK! They've become self-aware! Save yourself before Skynet takes control!
As they leave him alone so they can get beers, he sees "demons." The first looks like the fat guy from that Warrant CD. The second looks like Marilyn Manson with no make up. The last one is... I'm not making this name up... TENTACLE-ARMED-ONE-EYED-PURPLE-UNICORN-SHITHEAD. He sounds like what Isaac Hayes imitating Old Gregg would sound like.
Well, having enough of this insanity, rock star grabs an ax and butchers them, only to find that they're the members of his band. Except, they aren't, as they make him see that he murdered his band, and because of this, he summons what Satan would look like in LittleBIGPlanet.
The ending has the realtor and his wife showing the house, only for 2D Satan to pop out, and kill everyone by pointing at them, which causes heads to fly off of bodies, He does this while squatting on the chair. You know, as the Lord of Darkness is prone to do. "Hey, I'm going to kill you all, but let me grunt a stinking mud-grenade on your couch. That'll really torment your soul!" Captain Conspiracy then bombs the house. The movie ends showing us the puppets they used to achieve their masterful effects. You know, just in case we were traumatized by the realism of them.
You want to know what really traumatized me? The fact that this movie was even made. Honestly, I have to give credit, the production values is leaps and bounds better than Terror Toons, but that's as far as I'll go. Somehow, quality went down. The stories range from bland to incoherent, with barely anything in between. The first story, which seemed the most polished, somehow felt like it was the only final draft, and even then it made absolutely no sense. This does not have the staying power as Terror Toons did, by any means.
Next month, I'll be taking a look at a TV series. Get your antiques ready, we're going Ghost Whispering.
